Wednesday, March 28, 2012

If I Tell You...

**A Typical Trip to the Grocery Store**
(as relayed by my wife)...

Cold, bitter, judging eyes gazed upon my body as if I were a species of mutant or an alien from a isolated, remote planet in a galaxy far, far away. As I waddled, shuffled, wobbled, and hobbled, I could sense the piercing stares growing with each step. The ogling came from every direction. The gawking was beginning to get to me. I felt uncontrollable anger boiling inside me as I held back the tears. The waterworks were about to start, and the terrifying sobs that pierced the airways just yesterday when the car's side view mirror broke were on their way...regardless of what the Department of Homeland Security had to say about it. Yesterday the cries alarmed the Air Force, Army, Navy, and Marines. So, as much as I wanted to cry, sob, and scream, I couldn't afford to be considered a threat to national security again. Captivity for another 24 hours just wouldn't suit me. And, I am not really a fan of the ankle bracelet.

My mission was essential. I could NOT fail. This truly was a life or death mission. If I did not succeed, I would be better off going off the grid. Making a run for Mexico and then to a non-extradition country would be my only hope for survival. But, failure was not on my mind. This was just one of many missions that left me meandering through Albertson's frozen food section at 11:21 p.m.! Why 11:21 p.m.? I can't tell you or I would have to kill you. This tape will self destruction in 10 seconds...

As I moseyed past the Albertson's brand, past the Breyer's, past the Dreyer's, (really Breyer's and Dreyer's...someone is a thief) past the Haagen-Dazs, and past the Top Hat (Not even sure what that is or if it is editable)...I may or may not have stopped for a popsicle along the way. I pushed forward, a little short of breath, to the Ben & Jerry's. My mission was almost half over as I felt the frosty air upon my face as my hand, slightly shaking and sticky from dripping popsicle, grasped a pint of Red Velvet Cake ice cream. Carpe diem! It was MINE..all MINE! I should have just grabbed the Red Velvet Cake ice cream and immediately retreated to the safe house, but it just didn't happen. My eyes glimpsed a pint of Chunky Monkey, but it didn't stop there. Brownie Batter, Banana Split, Cake Batter, Cheesecake Brownie, Cherry Garcia, Cookie Dough, Chubby Hubby and numerous other flavors somehow found their way into my shopping cart. They joined my army of snacks; pickles, Snickers, Reese Peanut Butter Cups, Nacho Cheese requiring only a spoon, Olives, and those little Mexican candy bars that are better once they are in the freezer. It was time to leave as my window was running out. Still, that didn't stop me for stretching out my sticky hand for one last pint of ice cream. After all, I didn't want to return to this place of cream filled paradise again tonight. My hand cupped a pint of Schweddy Balls, and with that, I realized I had a problem (not nearly as funny as what I wanted to write...but this is a publicly search able site on the Internet).

As I struggled to waddle away from the glorious pints of heaven, I saw my reflection surrounded by pints of all flavors. Look at me...my hair was a mess. The bags under my eyes had darkened, and I might have caught a peep of a wrinkle on my left cheek (on my face, not my butt...geez people). My lips were red and my tongue was blue from the Firecracker popsicle I indulged in minutes earlier. I was clad in pajama pants featuring the likes of dancing monkeys wearing sombreros, but I didn't stop there. I was here to make a fashion statement. Just below my dancing monkeys, I sported some spotted pink socks(undoubtedly changed from white in a washing machine accident) with some brown flip flops. Yes, socks and sandals...hello 1981! As my eyes ventured upwards, I saw the pinnacle of my ensemble, a fluorescent green NKOTB tee. If you don't know what NKOTB is...then I don't have time for you. My awesome tee featured a portion of my lunch, some of my leftovers from dinner, and a smidgen of my 9 p.m. snack. This beautiful display of stains and food residue accompanied my growing belly. I had put hours of work placing the final touches on my get-up!

Using my shopping cart as a crutch, I made my trek to the checkout. It was long and tedious, but this mission had to be completed. The eyes were on me once again. I could feel the stares as they consumed me. "Judge me," I thought...really? As I rolled up to the 20 items or less line, the clerk eyed me with a disappointing gaze. She looked in my basket and then at my belly. "This line is for customers with less tha...," she said. My "stink-face" interrupted her cruel words. Or maybe it was the tears that started to form in my tired eyes. But, most likely, it was the indescribable, ear drum shattering noise that began to leave my mouth. It was an eerily similar sound to an African Bull Elephant in labor that I had once seen on the Discovery Channel. At any rate, she changed her tune really quick, and she was lucky she did. She didn't want to mess with me in my current, overemotional, extremely illogical, slightly unstable, and certifiably psychotic state. It was better for the sake of national security that she didn't test me.

The collection of ice cream, candy bars, pickles, olives, nacho cheese, and Little Debbie snack cakes set me back a few Bennies, but the mission was a success. I was leaving with a smile as I proudly flaunted my rounding belly as it protruded from underneath my styling tee. People would stare. They would gaze, they would gawk, they would ogle, they would judge, but in the end, who cares?! After all, I'm pregnant!

That's right...I am PREGNANT. I could shout it from the rooftops. I am PREGNANT with TWINS!!!

In the safety of my car, I blasted some George Michael 'Father Figure' and sped off. I was pulling into my subdivision roughly "OH-19 minutes" after I departed. I had been given strict instructions to be back in less than 20. I sped around the corner, tires screeching as children dove for safety. My eyes were glued to the clock as each second ticked away faster than the one before. I saw the garage door start to inch downward. This was it! A decision had to made...either I smash down the accelarator, aim the wheel for the garage and hope I slip haphazardly beneath its closing jaws -OR- I turn around now, never look back, and make the run for Mexico where I meet up with a guy named Pablo who will fly me to the jungles of Peru. Sure, they would chase me, but I could live off the grid in secret. The decision must be made in an instant. A warm smile flashed in my mind and I gunned it for the garage. The scent of burning rubber filled the air as innocent on-lookers turned their heads in horror. Sparks jumped into the atmosphere as the garage door knicked the end of my Dodge Journey. I screeched to a stop just before I hit the wall. I had done it! Carpe diem! There seems to be a theme here...

I sat there in the darkness of my lair; the smell of burnt rubber, urine, and the scent of Little Debbie snack cakes that I opened on the way home filled the air. Suddenly, the door opened. It was my master! My master looked pleased, turned to the side, and rubbed her growing belly. "We all SCREAM for ICE CREAM!" She smiled as I unloaded the bags of goodies and handed off a pint of Ben & Jerry's Banana Split ice cream with a can of Nacho Cheese. She sat down on the couch happily and began to indulge. "You made it just in the nick of time hunny! You were almost better off running to Mexico," she laughed.

I smiled nervously and thought to myself..."you don't know how close I came." But, instead, I replied, "Give me a break, I'm pregnant with twins too, you know."

To which she replied, "Hunny, I need a fried Twinkie to dip in this nacho cheese".

And, with that, I had been tasked with another mission. My life and national security hung in the balance, and, like before, I would not fail. As I grabbed my keys, I thought to myself..."Where in heck can I get a fried Twinkie at 11:41 p.m.?" Why 11:41 p.m.? I can't tell you or I would have to kill you!

THE END

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